Thursday, 26 April 2012

anxiety or am I listening to the voices in my head?

You just never know where life will take you.

Back in 2008 I posted "In my past life".  A segment of my life which I thought was closed, gone, forgotten and never to be re-addressed.  Well, the past couple of weeks have seen a window of the past re-opening.  I would have never imagined that I'd let all those negative thoughts rattle around in my head again, but I have...temporarily.  Every single demon I have let drag me down in the past tried their nasty little game again.  This time I have to say, I've only let them show themselves for about a week or so.

The I'm not good enough, I'm not competent, the I'll never be able to do that again, the I can't afford it.  Everyone will think I'm crazy.  The nay sayers, the negative nellies, the ones who bring you down because of their own insecurities.  You know when someone tells you that "you can't soar with the eagles if you let the turkey's get you down"?  Well, after much mulling about, throwing myself a major pity party and almost falling back into a pattern of self destruct, I am rising above all of that and looking at this opportunity in a whole different light.  I'll be soaring with the eagles!

Thankfully, I have grown as a person, and I can honestly say that running, cycling, swimming and triathlon have all taught me that.  Funny how you can compete in all those elements and only feel as though you are competing against yourself, not against anyone else.  That is how I'm going to handle this new / old adventure.  I'm heading back to the barn!

dusting off the riding boots
Don't get me wrong, I'll still be running, cycling and hopefully still churning it up in the pool.

What this new / old avenue will give me is some peace of mind that I'm still getting some exercise, some much needed horse hugging, meeting some new people, and it also allows me to be close to home just in case I get one of "those" phone calls that has me heading the Emergency Room to meet up with my dad.  (yes, I've had those when I've been out running and 21k from nowhere and had to run to the nearest place and beg for a drive home).

So, to those old demons who were trying their hardest to deter me from taking up the sport I walked away from, I say begone! I'm a bigger, better person than what I was way back then, the past is just that ~ "past" and I'm in it for totally different reasons now.  I'll be just fine!!!

Life's fun if you don't weaken,

Lily

8 comments:

Born To Endure said...

WOWWWWWWWWWWWW I love horses!!! Lucky you!!!

TNTcoach Ken said...

Bigger???????? LOL, nice looking boots!

Gotta Run..Gotta Ride said...

YOU are 100% amazing!!!

Ewa said...

Wherever your journey takes you, I want to hear/read about it. I love horses and I can't wait to read about your passion.
How well I understand what you are going through with your father. For years I've been making sure that I can (as I often had in the past) drop everything to fly to Poland.
I wish I had your maturity to fight negative voices in my head. Maybe I will grow up one of these days.

MrDaveyGie said...

L.
What has always attracted me back to your blog is you tell it like it is. You share feelings and problems that we all have and can relate to. Then you reflect on what you need to do, and you do it. It’s like having free therapy. :-)
D

Dee said...

If you are returning to the stables because you look fabulous in joddies I don't blame you, you do look fabby. I had a horsey older sister, and it put me off because her quarter horse was pretty feisty. I preferred the company of Matilda, the boarding farm goat.
Thanks for the link into your past, that was a lovely post. I am lucky I was such a slug all my life, no injuries!

ajh said...

Horses scare me but I have lots of horsey friends! Blog away about that passion too.

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